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C'mon give me a hug....I haven't seen you in years

C’mon give me a hug….I haven’t seen you in years

“The oldest mummified body in the world has been found in a bog in County Laois” my chum Spike Righteous announced loudly to everyone in the club yesterday evening “isn’t that just mad Thackeray”. “It certainly is Spike” I replied in surprise “why you’d want to be buried in Laois beats me”. “They reckon he was a bad King….and as a punishment they killed him and buried him there” he replied quickly, a look of mystified bafflement on his face. “That was  bit harsh wasn’t it…..they were very cruel in those days” my chum Biffo “The Gard”Boyle added, shaking his head “I bet he’s finally glad to get out of the place….if there’s any decency in the world they’ll rebury him again somewhere else”. “But why did they bury him in a bog of all places?” Spike continued, rubbing the outside of his glasses with a brandy soaked beer mat. “It’s Laois Spike” Biffo answered waving his hands in dramatic explanation “there’s nothing but bog up there sure…..I’ve driven the length and breadth of the place….which is about two miles….and the roads are lined with cows and people trying to find a blade of grass to eat”.  “They’ll stick him in a museum now I suppose as if he hadn’t things bad enough….by Christ he got a raw deal” Spike said, sighing sadly. “The thing that horrifies me “ I said, taking a sip of Biffo’s cognac for my vocal chords “is that there you have Egypt that builds these great pyramids….one of the wonders of the world….to bury their mummies….and there you have us…that have the oldest one in the world….and what do we do….we bury ours in a bog in Laois….we’ve just got no class at all”. “Not to mention they gave no thought to the prospective tourism potential for the country” Spike said irritably, suddenly feeling hard done by. “Well in fairness…they couldn’t build a pyramid in Laois….sure the thing would sink in the bog” Biffo added and everybody nodded. “They could have filled the place with rocks from Cavan….sure they’re trippin over themselves with boulders …..I’m sure I heard they live in caves up there” Spike said trying to find a solution. “No it’s Mayo where they live in caves….and Tipperary….they’d be too mean in Cavan to give away any rocks anyway…..love em up there so they do….you can get a bag of curry chips and a burger for two rocks up there on a Saturday night” Biffo answered knowledgeably.  “Maybe just as well they didn’t build pyramids anyway” Spike said resignedly “sure they’d be broke on a place that size trying to pay property tax, household charges, water rates and even a television license…and everyone knows they only got the wireless in last year”. “Well when I go….many moons away from now” I declared loudly “I want you to know that I want to be sent off like a Viking….in a boat down the Shannon…and an archer can ceremonially shoot an lighted arrow into the air and it would land on the boat….sending me off in a blaze of glory”. “I’d say they’d be lining up with arrows…you’d go up in some blaze anyway I reckon….you’re preserved with alcohol better than any old mummy in a bog” Biffo replied and they all guffawed. Being a Viking isn’t all it’s cracked to be….still it seemed like a good idea at the time…

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