Tags
Anthony Weiner, comedy, Humor, Humour, Jane Austen, Laughter, LOL, Mayor of New York, Playboy Mansion, Satire
I was sure I had a weiner when I woke up this morning
“I really don’t know what all the fuss is about” I said to my chums Biffo Boyle and Spike Righteous down the rugby club last night as we watched the news on tv over some Giggle Juice (Gin and tonic) “after all what a chap does in the privacy of his own home is his own affair”. “Yes but Anthony Weiner is running for Mayor of New York after all” Biffo said shrugging his shoulder “makes our lot look almost angelic”. “Angelic my ass…our lot get drunk…whilst supposed to be discussing policies for the nation…and try to get the female politicians to do lapdances for them….you wouldn’t see it in the Playboy Mansion” Spike intervened, turning his bicycle helmet around in disgust. “I’m not so sure chaps” I said resolutely “I reckon he could go far….after all he’s just letting everyone know he’s a man….anyway his wife doesn’t seem to mind”. “Jolly understanding of her I say….not sure my Philomena would be so accepting….she still hasn’t forgiven me for hiring that French maid to do the housekeeping” Biffo added disappointedly. “That’s just typical you see….no man-sense whatsoever….no…we’ve got too many testosterone absorbers in the country for my liking….still we could be worse….look at the UK….they’ve even put Jane Austen on their £10 notes for God sakes”. “What’s wrong with that then Thackeray?” Biffo asked, taking a swig of his drink “I thought you’d welcome the idea of a female in your back pocket”. “That’s the problem chums” I said solemnly “they’ve been in my pocket rifling my hard earned cash all my life….no they made a mistake with Jane Austen….not much Sense and too much Sensibility…that’s their problem….next they’ll be giving women the vote” I said with a chortle. “But women already have the vote” Spike interrupted “for at least a year I’d say….my Margery told me that….even said she had equal rights to me the other day” he said, shaking his head. “Good God….you mean to say they’ve been voting all along” I gasped “we’re doomed I tell you…doomed…you’d want to get that under control Spike….before you know it…..you’ll be making your own dinner and doing your own ironing”.
Taking a large pensive sip of my drink, I hailed Tracey, the man barmaid with a flutter of my hand “three vessels of giggle juice my dear….by the way Tracey……you’re a woman of the world….God knows you’ve visited enough visiting teams here in the changing rooms over the years to get a round-the-world ticket….so what do you think of this Weiner chap?” I asked, genuinely interested. “He should have kept his weiner in his pants….dirty little pervert” Tracey answered, taking a swift shot herself at the very thought of it. “Well said Tracey…good girl yourself” I said nodding “I hope you know if it had been me…..it would have been a frankfurter… obviously….certainly not a little weiner”. “That’s not what your ex wife Beryl said Thackeray….she said it was more like a cocktail sausage” Tracey snorted in reply and Biffo and Spike guffawed loudly. “How dare you…of all the nerve….Beryl can’t talk anyway….she has so much plastic in her that if she died tomorrow she’d have to be put in a green refuse bin” I shouted but the chaps weren’t listening. “Thackeray Tackle-less Bond certainly has a ring to it” Spike chuckled. “You’d have to call yourself Minus 7 instead of 007 Bond” Biffo added, convulsing with laughter. “Right that’s it….I’ve taken enough insults for one night….I’m off God damn you” I snarled, throwing back my drink and slamming the glass on the counter. As I headed for the door slowly, waiting for an apology to allow me return with my pride intact, Spike shouted after me “Eh Thackeray….it’s supposed to rain….so if you put on some Miracle Grow…anything could happen” and the whole bar erupted with laughter. Being a weiner…still it seemed like a good idea at the time….
The Life and Times of Thackeray Bond 