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When Christopher Columbus landed in Kerry by mistake and  met the natives, it didn't take him long to figure out he had not discovered the New World

When Christopher Columbus met the natives after he landed in Kerry by mistake, it didn’t take him long to figure out he had not discovered the New World

“He’s never been right after the trouble he had with the goureens” Biffo said sadly about our mutual friend “Killarney Jonah”. “That’s unfortunate….he never had any luck” I replied with a sigh. “That sounds painful” interrupted Spike Righteous who had just walked in on our conversation “I wouldn’t like that to happen to me now”. “What on earth are you talking about Righteous?” I asked, raising a disapproving eyebrow at him. “Getting a kick in the goureens….I’d say you wouldn’t be right after that for a month” he replied ordering a Giggle Juice for himself. “A goureen….my buffoon of a friend… is an endangered fish that lives in one of the lakes of Killarney” I said, shaking my head in disbelief “and our friend Killarney Jonah….who never caught a fish in his life….is now being fined €5000….after a kamikaze goureen leaped into his boat and died while he was out rowing on the lake….that’ll cost you a round Spike”. “Jaysus Thackeray….he’s got about as much luck as me” Spike answered ordering two more Giggle Juices on Biffo’s tab “we could have been brothers”. “What are you rambling on about now man” Biffo asked crossly “you’re not making any sense….have you been eating the blue smarties again….you know they don’t agree with you”.“ Look….didn’t you hear the news today….there’s a person emigrating from Ireland every six minutes” he said, burying his head in his hands “and  since there is 60 people in our office….ten of us will probably be gone in the next hour…..do the math Biffo…do the math”. “Jesus wept” Biffo replied, guffawing loudly. “Laugh away chaps….laugh away…..but it’s like the advert for the National Lottery…..it could be you…..this could be one of the last drinks I have in the club” Spike answered, bordering on tears. “Well you better get a couple of more rounds in then before you go” I said, rushing to the bar and calling over Tracey man-barmaid “Goddammit…hurry yourself Tracey….Spike has less than an hour to get us uproariously drunk….3 brandy doubles, 3 tequilas, 3 jaeger bombs for starters…and make sure Spike pays his tab before he goes…because I won’t be landed with it”.

“Don’t worry yourself Spike” Biffo answered, slapping him on the shoulder “you have to do an IQ test to get into most country’s now….believe me you’re safe a while yet”. “Don’t be such a damn fool Biffo” I shouted angrily “at least wait until he’s got us plastered before you break the news to him”. “Thank you so much Biffo…I hadn’t thought about that….that’s a weight off my knees I can tell you….another round for Biffo Tracey….forget Thackeray….he’s a piranha goureen” Spike said with relief. “On a more serious note chaps” I said, leaning against the bar after throwing back the entire first round on my own before the others realised “I think it actually is the emigrant boat for me….it’s been on my mind for a good while now”. “But why Thackeray….why I ask you” Spike said pleadingly. “There’s nothing here anymore for a man of my obvious talents” I said, wiping a crocodile tear from my eye “what with corrupt politicians….incompetent state institutions….sorry Biffo I nearly forgot you were here…..GROSS incompetence in regards to the Guards….and an overwhelming lack of morality in the country….it’s just nowhere for a gentleman”. “But Thackeray….I thought that’s exactly the environment where someone of your talents would thrive in” Biffo said with genuine astonishment “if you can’t make it here….you can’t make it anywhere”. “Don’t try and change his mind Biffo” Tracey screamed out loud “if he wants to go….let him go….it must be Christmas” she said beginning to sing the Christmas carol “Joy to the World”. “But isn’t there age restrictions on getting into countries now Thackeray…..they might not take you” Spike said with hope in his voice. “What on earth do you mean?” I exclaimed “how dare you….I’d be like Christopher Columbus bringing civilisation to the heathens….why any country would welcome me with open arms”. “Well it would make it easier for you to fleece them certainly” Biffo said, nodding in agreement. “Call yourselves my friends….you’re insolent cads one and all…..you’ll miss me when I’m gone I tell you” I said contemptuously. Staying in Ireland…still it seemed like a good idea at the time…