“Do you know Biffo that if you moved to higher ground….you’d lose weight” Spike Righteous declared down in the club yesterday evening. “What on earth are you saying Spike….or inferring to be more precise?” my chum Biffo The Guard Boyle replied grumpily. “Oh I’m not inferring anything Biffo….heaven forbid that I would ever imply anything” Spike answered, throwing up his hands in innocence “I’m merely saying that the earth’s gravitational pull on your body would be less the higher up you go and so you would actually weigh less”. “I’ll say it Biffo” I interjected, taking a swig from my “Body Shaker” cocktail “never let it be said I’d give a compliment when an insult is at hand….if you went up somewhere high….very high in your case…like Mt Everest then you would be fractionally….juts fractionally mind….lighter than you are now”. “I know what you’re trying to say” Biffo said, eating from a basket of cocktail sausages on his lap “anyway I’m not overweight….I’m just big boned”. “So was the T-Rex” I said impassively “ and look what happened to him……you should be more like me Biffo…if I went to the summit of Mt Everest….I’d probably levitate…with my slim and toned physique”. “No you’d probably turn to dust Thackeray” Biffo answered with certainty “those fragile claw-like bones of yours would disintegrate altogether no doubt”. “Jealousy Biffo….jealousy is a terrible trait….simply put…I’m built for speed not for comfort” I said with a sigh. “Not when you’re ordering a round Thackeray….you have the gravitational pull of Australia on your pockets when it’s time for you to cough up” He’s got a point there Thackeray” Spike added with a snort of laughter “you’d wouldn’t exactly win the fastest wallet in the west competition”. “How dare you….a Thackeray’s word is his bond….that’s why my surname is Bond I’ll have you know” I said with disgust. “Burn the Bondholders” Spike shouted out loud but everyone in the club suddenly threw evil glances at him.
“I don’t know what you’re shouting about Spike” Biffo said, looking in Spike’s direction “with those two twigs hanging out of your shoulder sockets that you call arms…the trouble with you two feeble felons is that women like real men….someone they can….hang onto….there’s simply more of me to love….isn’t that right Tracey” he said turning to Tracey bar-maid who was slouched against the counter listening. “You know I have to stick a needle in my eye every morning when I think how lucky I am to be gazing at such fine specimens of masculinity each day” she said, shaking her head. “Well said Tracey” I replied coolly “and I hope you realise it’s only through our good graces you’re here at all….. you should be careful with that needle though…..you’ve only got one good eye left…..anyway heaven forbid anything serious would happen to you….50% of deaths are caused by….accidents in the home”. “I knew there was a reason why you existed” Tracey snorted in reply. “Enough of your lip” I said with a sneer “Three brandy’s on Biffo….he’s trying to lose some weight and we’re nowhere near Cavan for him to find a rock to stand on”. Weight loss….still it seemed like a good idea at the time…
Posted by thackeraybond | Filed under Australia, Comedy, Funny, Humor, Humour, Satire, LOL, Mt Everest