“A tie belonging to John Lennon fetched over €3000” Spike Righteous read out of the newspaper yesterday evening “sure where would you be goin”. “The question is” Biffo The Guard Boyle replied whilst putting on his policeman’s hat “how do we know that it is John Lennon’s tie…..does it have his name on it…..is it John Lennon from The Beatles….or John Lennon from Monaghan….these are the pertinent questions to be ascertained at the root of the matter ?”. “Good God Biffo….they’re actually sensible questions” I said with surprise “have you been watching NYPD Blue again to learn what a policeman does?”. “I won’t dignify that question with a response” Biffo answered with mock hurt “but they don’t call me…Inspector Morse Boyle…for nothing you know”. “That’s because they don’t call you that at all…..Inspector Gadget is more likely” I scoffed. “The woman said that John Lennon himself gave it to her” Spike interjected, reading further down the page. “Well that’s that so….case closed” Biffo answered, slapping the table confidently. “Well with that line of baffling reasoning….what if I put it to you that I have a bra belonging to Liz Hurley Biffo…..would you believe me?” I asked, lighting up one of my Monte Cristo no.4’s. “Of course not Thackeray….not for an instant” Biffo replied quickly. “But you believed that woman when she said John Lennon gave it to her with no proof whatsoever” I said, blowing smoke in his direction. “Ah yes but there are two reasons for not believing you” Biffo answered gravely “the first is that you….are an accountant and therefore lie for a living….and secondly….you would never…other than in your own mind….ever meet a girl like Liz Hurley….unless she was Liz Hurley from Kilkenny…and gave you a hurley”.
“That’s deuced ignorant of you Biffo…but I accept your point….I don’t have a bra belonging to Liz Hurley….I have one belonging to Marlyn Monroe” I said, taking a long drag of my cigar. “Of course you do….and I have a pair of boxer shorts belonging to Freddie Mercury” Biffo said with a laugh. “I believe you Biffo” Spike said, nodding his head “you were always a big Queen fan”. “I’d well believe it….as Spike said the evidence is there” I guffawed. “Of course I don’t have a pair of his shorts….how would I get a pair of his shorts” Biffo shouted crossly. “The mind boggles Biffo…the mind boggles….what you do in your spare time is your own affair of course….but you are a Guard….and your word is law….if you say you have a pair of Freddie Mercury’s shorts then who am I…a humble accountant…to argue with you….I believe Freddie God rest him…had a liking for men in uniform” I said, trying hard to hold back a smile. “I did NOT have a relationship with Freddie Mercury” Biffo shouted angrily and everyone in the club turned around in shock and horror. “I think Bill Clinton said something similar to that” Spike said, raising his eyebrow suspiciously “and he was proven wrong”. “Possession is nine tenths of the law Biffo….and since you possess his shorts….well….I’m not Ironside….but I’d say the evidence is stacking up against you old man” I said, shaking my head “what is it Hamlet said….the lady doth protest too much methinks”. “You two are impossible….I’ve had enough of this….I need a drink” Biffo muttered, turning towards the bar in disgust. “Its’ on me Biffo….especially now that your man-card has been revoked” I said with a smile and calling over Tracey the man-barmaid “Tracey get Biffo here a white wine will you”. “What would he like?” she asked in a rare show of interest. “I’m not sure” I answered sardonically “but you better make it something fruity”. Buying Celebrity merchandise….still it seemed like a good idea at the time….